We're only leaving our home for five months, but today has been strangely packed with emotions for me. I'm so excited to see family and our very dearest friends. (We are all.... so sooo excited.) So looking forward to simply being in America where things are like I'm used to, so many things like I love (sunsets, green, beauty, space, delicious, English, cleanness, quiet, politeness as I best understand it).
And I'm scared. Scared that all we're preparing to share with friends won't look good, won't sound right, won't be worth it, our words maybe just falling down to the ground like lame arrows and no one will care about any of this..... Maybe? I'm scared that I won't understand my American friends as well anymore. Scared they won't understand me. Scared I might fall into coveting all things fashionable.
And here I am posting about all this at 10:32pm. A moment even just to process all this is sheer grace. We leave early in the morning. The Lord has been so good to us this week and these last days especially. Everything is basically done, except of course for the 20 things on the list on the table that must be done in the morning. One friend came and played with our kiddos this afternoon. Two families from a new Sunday fellowship we've been at just since this summer visited us this evening. What a blessing to receive their kindness... such a cheer amidst our packing madness. Dinner with neighbors too..... so many wonderful gifts.
Matt reminded us both this morning that the Lord cares more about how we finish our responsibilities today than that we get all these things done. I've been thinking all this afternoon of one little phrase...
We go in weakness.
Oh God may it be. Too often when we're in some stressful situation, I become "Ms. Task Manager Mama and you better not change the schedule of events or the props that I'll need because I've got a job to do, four kids to take care of and get through these hoops with me, and I'm going to check it all of the list, (don't mess with me!), we'll make it happen, thank you very much." It's ridiculous. Pure Sin. Since when have I ever really been able to control the events of my day?
But my Lord does. He is "the blessed and only Sovereign."
Yes, I want to prepare. Be responsible to do the best that I can. But my heart is more important than any pseudo control I might grasp for..... oh, and grasping is so ugly.
It has been sweet today to think of going forth in weakness. Intentionally turning away from self-trust and self-strength (self-deception!) and trusting that the Father will take care of us. Isn't it in our weakness that his strength is made perfect? And what would I rather have.... his perfect strength or my delusion of power?
His strength given to us is an incomparable gift. And who could receive that without some humble gladness?
We go in joy.
Isaiah 55:12 comes to mind: "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace..."
There is lots of joy, and glad thankfulness to the Lord who is with us here and as we go, and who will be with us through all this new, scary season. The Father who knows each of us and loves us more than we know. We are so thankful to be His.
Here's just a few more home-life joys I can't forget to record....
After sorting kid's clothes and laundry and boxing up hand-me-downs to store for the littles, Marian came to me with true bewilderment on her face and in her voice.... like she was shocked or stunned or maybe worse. "Mom. Something really strange happened. When I looked in my drawer, I found this shirt. And it was folded." Phew.... glad that was it. "Sorry, dear. That IS strange. But don't worry, it won't happen again." (I normally just lay our kids clothes flat for them.... how strange indeed to have that old habit suddenly reappear! I'm thinking there will be a "Fold Your Clothes Week" somewhere in the K family future, but probably not anytime too soon.) May has been so helpful this week. I love cuddling with her at bed time. Recently she's been quick to shout out a math problem for me the moment I lay beside her and then she's ready for 10 problems from me too.
John's pretty into doing headstands now.... sticks his feet into Isaiah's bunk above him and he fits just right. But it's a loud thump when he comes down. He is absolutely thrilled with this new skill. He just might want to show you at the train station, Grandma and Grandpa!
Vivi is fun. John and May taught her a little game that consists of them running into the room straight to her and then all of them screaming. It's wonderfully fun-funny-loud.
Isaiah has been quiet.... hard to tell what's going on in his heart sometimes. He's becoming "cool", sometimes that means he's hilarious and other time it means he's seriously mindful of what others think about him. It's all quite frightening to this mama, and yet full of potential that's exciting. May He fear God! What do I do to love a boy so big as this? He is such a delight to me.... especially recently how he loves on Vivi so super well. I've recently been thinking of Augustine's mom praying for him fervently for decades and what a privilege it is for me to have that role, that influence, in this great boy's life. All I can do to love and lead him is cling to the One who loves him best and who will lead him and arrange everything everything for his good.
Thank you for praying for us as we travel tomorrow.... it will be a long day! But then! We'll arrive in Seattle at nearly the same hour as we fly out of Seoul tomorrow afternoon..... we're going to be a zany bunch of jet laggers I'm guessing. So grateful the Lord is with us.
May your lives and ours, our hearts, our days be all for His glory! I'm so grateful for you sending us off with your prayers too, dear friends!
See you soon!