on Contentment and Taming Time

Time management isn’t just a stuffy priority for driven Wall street executives and CEOs with killer deadlines.  My moments on the homefront, hours in the kitchen, my days here are the very stuff that I’ll stand responsible for before my Maker one day.  I long to live in such a way as to give to the Lord the best offering that I can from all the time He’s given me.

Months ago I began thinking of time and tasks differently.  I wrote out my pondering and I talked with friends, and one mentioned to me the book What’s Best Next, by Matthew Perman.  This book really got me going.  It’s gold for Christians who want to “make the most of every opportunity” and “redeem the time because the days are evil.”  

Now that I’ve read Perman’s book and let these ideas sink in and simmer in my mind and in my own planning for half a year, I feel gratefully and quite radically transformed with a new goal and approach to planning my days.  It’s not an app. (You definitely should be laughing.  Of course I will not be coming up with an app, though I was curious about the possibilty for a few too many weeks this past winter!)  But I feel like I’ve been learning a few things that are helping me to distinguish and Focus on the most important things and Rejoice and be content in the good work that the Lord has given me (rather than being depressed that I didn’t get more less-important things crossed off my idol-list in a day.)

Until late last fall, I planned my days with a straightforward to-do list.  My husband, who grew up blessed with a heritage of Franklin Covey planning strategy  taught me to prioritize my list with A, B, and C.  But I was still pretty stuck on needing to get my whole list done every day.  Perman, who praises much of the time management plan of David Allen in his book Getting Things Done, said that though Allen means for his list-keeping plan to make your mind “like water,”  Perman found it made his brain rush “like a tsunami.”   Not desirable!

I lived with that tsunami too. I was far too easily tuned in to my to-do list rather than into the relationships or the everyday responsibilities that I have because of who I am.  There was pressure and it could get ugly if I was pressed up against the end of my time and not yet the end of my list.  What was on my list?  I don’t even know now… but it was long and it all felt terribly urgent and it drove me most every hour, every single day.  

Then I started challenging this pressure plan and began thinking of “Role Planning,” or what Perman calls “Time Mapping.”   It’s just the idea that instead of trying to do everything, all the time, that I can mark out what roles I need to attend to at what times every day, and at those times, work on only the tasks associated with that role.  Perman helped this idea sink in with his write up on the example of George Washington… how his days were quite set with what responsibilities he attended to at what times.  “People operate best from routine, not a set of lists,”  urges Perman.  

For example, school mornings at 8:30AM, I homeschool our big kids.  In that time, I need to fully attend to teaching, giving my attention to our kids, and the lessons before us together.  I don’t need to be busy with any tasks beyond being a good teacher. I will be investing my time best if I give myself wholly to lead and teach and serve and love my kids well as their teacher in our homeschool time together.   

None of the bills to pay, floors to mop, or emails I need to write matter in those homeschool hours.  There’s a slice of time devoted to admin later in the day, and I can do that then.  And what doesn’t get done in my admin time, can be moved to the next chunk of admin time because though there are a few truly urgent things, not everything is urgent all of the time!

Another fun and helpful slot in our days at home is chores.  We do chores together right after breakfast, right after lunch.  I grew up with chores checked on once a week.  Maybe that's the thing to blame for learning to procrastinate so very well?  And maybe procrastinating- and it's doable functionality- is to blame for so much stressful pile-up of pressures sometimes?  But chores don't add up with the same intensity when we're doing them all together at the right time every day. 

Focusing on my role rather than just tasks was the first transformation for me and my drive-me-crazy to-do list.  The second change has come without me recognizing it until I’ve been able to look back on it with the clearer vision of hindsight.    I began realizing several months ago that focusing on roles was gradually leading to shorter lists of tasks that I felt were so urgently associated with each role.  I wondered if I was just getting lazy?  

I had thought that I needed a list running of all my responsibilities (I used the free Wunderlist app to keep track of my roles and the tasks needed under each role.) I had lists of all that needed to be done for homeschool prep and lessons and admin jobs I must complete and friends we need to invite over and cleaning to be done.  But I began to see that as I tuned into simply attending to my right-now job, I could get the work of that job done with creativity and focus if I simply gave it my whole heart and attention now, instead of feeling like I needed to fill it with some extra special meaning (extra tasks to do to make it better.) I know how to be a mom, with my kids, caring for our home, making meals, blessing guests.   I know what I’m responsible for and I can do this, by the grace of God, and I will call it good, and take deep joy in the work that’s been given to me.  

All of my roles and relationships-  as worshipper, wife, mom, homeschooler, friend & hostess- are responsibilities that I alone can care for and complete in this world.  What a grace to get to serve in these ways!

Maybe it’s been my heart that’s changed in ways I can’t quite verbalize.  What I do know for sure is that I’m not as task-driven, not as obsessed with more and more to-dos all the time.  I am responsible to serve faithfully today and to “plan noble things” (Isaiah 32:8, as Perman points out) and I don’t need to cram pack my future now.  More and Busy isn’t always better.  (Maybe it isn’t better?)   Somehow, there’s been a sweeter, hopefully humbler heart in learning to be faithful to my responsibilities for today, to take joy in the work given to me to do, in planning for His glory and in trusting the Father to bring things into being in His time. I’m feeling the peaceful grace of a newly gentle friend ~ time~  that Bradley Blakeman spoke of when he said “You tame time through routine.”  

Be content with the roles you’ve been given, Jill.  Receive these gifts and be faithful and diligent to the work that Master has given you.  Attend to your responsibilities- to caring for the relationships you’ve been so generously gifted!- in such a way as to hear Him smilingly say, when He comes, “well done, good and faithful servant.  Enter into the joy of your Master.” 

As I see it, there are two pieces of What’s Best Next that set it wildly apart from other time management books or planning systems I've seen.  First, in his section about “mission statements” and “life calling statements” and why they’re helpful and how to create one, Perman spells out for his readers that writing a Mission Statement is easy.  Other time planning gurus will tell you something like “find the most important thing to you” or as “what is it you want most?” But here, Perman switches from Project Planner to Pastor and tells us that as Christians, our Mission Statement is chosen for us by our King and declared in His Word.  He urges us that our highest goal needs to be something along the lines of “To glorify Christ and make Him known,” or at least, it’s approximately that substance in whatever words sound best to your soul.  

The second part I loved about this book is that Perman zealously urges every reader to consider in their planning weekly, daily, life goals… all of it…  “How Can I Serve Others?”  “How, this week, can I make some contribution to eliminating local needs and sorrows and even global ones?”  How excellent to be pressed toward this in a time management book!  I can’t think of a time when I’ve read anything about time management (outside of the Bible!) that urges me so straightforwardly to not be selfish with my time, to give myself away, to prefer others above myself and serve their needs first, with the best of me….  But could it be a Christian approach to Time Planning, if it didn’t?  Perman zings the bullseye.  What a deep and abiding blessing I believe it is and will be in my life and family and community as I learn to focus on the Best things…

Another example of the wisdom and helpfulness of this book is a section that Perman includes on how much to plan and schedule.  He urges readers to avoid the rush-hour crunch of traffic in their personal planning.  Leave your roads (your schedule) filled to 70% capacity.  If you pack too much in, the roads don’t flow smoothly.  It takes more work and wastes time if you need to rearrange one item and, also critically important, the 30% margin leaves needful, healthy space in a schedule for creative, thorough thinking and finishing up on work.   He firmly believes that planning our time to be about 70% filled, will help people get more done than trying to set tasks and appointments filling our time to the brim.   There’s a lot of peace pressed into planning like that!

Perman wrote his helpful, sharpening wisdom aimed, I think, a bit more at folks working in outside careers.  My few ideas to share here have been very much influenced by his writing but have also been tweaked to best suit freelance-creatives and women blessed to get to labor in and outward from their homes.  

Here’s my little plan:

I have a Grand Planning page which includes 1) my life mission statement, 2) my seasonal calling statement (what is the work of God for me in this season of months or years?) 3) my roles (closely connected to my relationships), 4) values-characteristics-principles (whatever you want to call it!) and 5) normal routine- my role plan.  

To Plan Each Week:  
Pray.  Review your grand planning page to reorient yourself with your priorities and ask for wisdom to see what’s most important to accomplish for the Father’s glory, to be a faithful to the responsibilities He’s given you, to bless and serve others to advance His kingdom.   

Perman talks about having a few lists- not one for every role- but a few that feed into your roles and weekly schedule.  My Lists are:   Needful (urgent and important), Hopeful (important, not urgent), Books to Read , Emails to write, and Posts to write.   With my mind aware of my priorities and these few lists, I can set out to plan each day.  

To Plan Each Day:
My days roll according to roles, not tasks.    The routine I build for my time includes time to worship and read and journal, time to clean up and lead our kids in chores after breakfast and dinner, time for homeschool, meal prep and groceries, language study and visiting with friends .   Some roles are in the same place every day, but some roles are only assigned to specific days...  Think of the old idea of Monday being baking day, Tuesday being wash day...   

For each day I note 1) Needful things (the stuff with a deadline- be honest, not everything is urgent) 2) Role Goals (see below) 3) a verse to pray or character issue to work on in my own heart or prayer request to lift up 4) scheduled events and needful preparation.  On the side of each week's plan, I also note the books to read this week and emails and posts to write for odd moments that may possibly be unfilled.  

Perman also suggests noting what you need to do and what you want to do every day.  For me, it works better to consider what I want to do, in the place of time (in my role plan or "time map") where I can care for myself, which is most often done in time alone with the Lord or with my husband, or occasionally, with friends or to be alone maybe to work creatively on a project or read.  

Each day I aim my heart at what I call Role Goals.  In each main role of the day, what is the most important thing to attend to?  It might be a character issue to pray for or model and train my kids towards.  It might be spending quality time with one of my kids.  My Role Goal is my gold for making it a good day.  I might not even need to write anything down because the best work for me to attend to now may be already known and richly, deeply entrenched as a pattern in my day.  Simply being faithful to the work given to me, is enough for me, that when I'm reviewing in my mind if this was a good day, I can be content, knowing that I have served the best I can for the relationships and the work that was given to me this day.  Extra productivity is not required to sustain or increase my value as a person, or my acceptance to my God.  Faithfulness, excellence, creativity, being wholly present in attending to the work the Lord has prepared for me... this is what matters.    This is what builds my life, the offering of my life that I one day will present as my offering to the Lord.  May it be the best I can possibly make of it... by His grace, for His glory.

~~~~

We recently hosted a Creative Arts Concert at our house for several precious homeschooling families to join us to celebrate and encourage our kiddos.  There were more than a dozen performances and more outstanding masterpieces displayed in a gallery viewing time.

Here's to celebrating the music lovers among us who are learning to keep time...

There are some fantastic big girls in our community that we're so grateful our girls can enjoy and admire.

their performance, "The Beauty of Ballet" was Marian demonstrating the five positions in ballet and then a minute of free-form dance from both of them... it was creative and beautiful (at least to their own mom and dad!)

he's playing Vivaldi's "Spring"....  love hearing him make such beautiful music!
Our sweet John only displayed his "Peregrine Falcon Lego Flyer" but he was clear that he didn't want to have to stand up besides it and talk about it.  He'll get there.  Sorry, no pics of his creative construction!

“You need to keep your eyes focused on what you are here to contribute, not simply to do.  You need to direct yourself to effectiveness- the right outcomes- not mere activity.  Therefore, don’t ask “what tasks need to be done?”  Ask yourself “what outcomes need to be accomplished?”  Then determine the activities that will get you there.”  

~ Matt Perman, What’s Best Next.

our little loves

These little two astonish me. They are growing so sweetly in their own skills and character and in their precious friendship with each other.

While our big two are usually plagued with Bubonic Bickering- I love them still, we are working on this, but there's nothing I can do to pretend that it's very pretty between these two sometimes- they can hardly sit in the same room to do homework, without some ridiculous fussing- these little two play "dog and owner" (John usually gets the scarf tied around his belly as a leash), play "Raa" (pretty much what it sounds like... they just roar at each other and laugh), or play cars or tea party or .... anything. They laugh together so well.

Right now, I think John is the super-star in this friendship.  He's usually the one to bend over backwards to make the little princess happy. I want to try to give them freedom but maybe some help to encourage Vivi's virtue, some beautiful generosity on her part too.

In the homework hours of afternoon or evening... sometimes there's fussing from these two but usually there's just laughing, lots of it, and for no reasonable reason at all. I love it. The best music of our home.

And here's just a bit more of the latest news about these little two...

John loves animals and bugs.  Especially this most delightfully loving little dog, affectionately called Da Mi ('rice') by our whole neighborhood of kiddos.  He's our family's "outside dog"... There are probably a dozen stray dogs that wander our complex courtyards, but this one shines.   He's been the subject of several talks.... how DaMi's kindness and attention to others makes us all smile happy and oh to be like Da Mi!  I don't know what's going to happen when deep feet of snow fall, but we want to do all that we can to care well for this darling little friend.

not the cutest shot of any of these... but really, DaMi is an especially sweet, cute, kind dog.  Who wouldn't love him?!

Vivi also has a gentle heart.... loves to pat her hand on the back of anyone sad or suffering, anyone crying.   And she gave a valiant shot at joining me for a pilates video last week.   She sings.... and sings and sings.  (it's more precious than words.)  Her teacher at school is a beautiful minority lady who has nicknamed her very suitably....  Her local name is Aygul but she's not called that or her Chinese name at school.  She's called Aygulee.  So sweet.

My favorite part of bedtime with her is when she asks me "lay -own with me" (for some reason, a hold over from her baby talk) and then she reaches her arms around my head and pulls me close to her.  That's the best part.  Then she begins her lonnnng list of requests:  tickly back scratch, tummy tickle, sing "The Lord is my shepherd", sing it again, water, "lay -own with me" again.....

she watched Marian and I attempt pilates for a few minutes and then she dove in all by herself.  And about 14 seconds later, she was totally wiped out and took a rest...
I really love being with this girl.... and all of our kids!

that's some "sparkle chicken" in her left hand... her very own, very famous, outdoor cooking recipe.  

Hey you.... {and your feelings}

click on image for a link to where saw it...
bummer that I can't figure out the original site.

(Please note, by "you" I very much mean me.)

Embarrassingly enough, I've been learning a little thing that I'm sure I should have learned decades ago.  At least I wish I did.  It's come as a bit of a surprise to me recently that I don't have to sign on the line every time my emotions make a sales pitch at me.  I'm a big girl now, and I've known this before, and I've hoped to persuade my kids of various versions of it, but I'm really just beginning to get it a little bit deeper and real-er myself.  

The shocking and glorious thing is this:  sometimes I can feel really (really) strongly about something, and I can still be wrong.  

Imagine that.  

(If you're already finding my stunning revelation ridiculous, you really should stop reading now.)  

For me, there's a lot of freedom in that... realizing that the measure of my feelings is not necessarily connected to the reality or accuracy of my view on an issue.  Humility, Jill.  How beautiful would that be?  

Then I saw this page (above) on Pintrest and it got me thinking how I really need some "Hey You" on my fridge, on my heart first thing in the day, under my nose while I'm at the kitchen sink, and generally carved deep into my soul.  I need something like this:

Hey You:  

Too much listening to 
(and way too much believing!)

your feelings.

Not enough taking thoughts captive 

Time for trusting your Father's sovereignty
choosing truth 
         choosing JOY

                   giving thanks

I could dive headlong into a deep dark mood (and probably take the whole house down with me) because I feel so strongly that I must be right .... or... I could choose truth and reject the slavemaster who lies and tempts me through my heart.  How many times have I called my feelings "wisdom" or even counted them as spiritual gifts (!) when I was really only stoking my own selfish ends, my pride, my plans?

Hey You is right.  And so is the kind friend who mentioned, just in passing, that maybe it would be good if I paid attention to what times of the month are the hardest for me?  And when I see that my hormones are probably talking louder than wisdom is inside my head.... what a help to dismiss the fears and accusations swiftly and bolt the door behind.  I don't need condemnation or judgment for me or anyone else swirling lies in my head and heart.... not any time of the month.  No.  I belong to the Truth, to walk with Him in the freedom he has eternally secured for me.... with His own blood.    

And of course, not all of my feelings are lies.  Not at all.  But that doesn't mean the opposite extreme is valid either.... that they're all true and I must blow wherever they take me.   I don't have to be a slave to whatever it is I'm feeling just because I'm feeling it.  I've been there long enough.  No more, by God's grace... no more.  Give me a Truth-rooted mind and sensitive, real emotions that are held and hemmed in by Truth.

So for the days when I feel guilty (of maybe nothing in particular, just looming, lurking, horrible guilt for surely something terrible) and then of course, when I'm feeling defensive, to follow that up, I can deal with my own heart on the matter.  I can capture that untruth instead of letting it fling me around on it's leash.  I can stop trying to blame everyone else for something else when none of us know what the deal is.   Oh to be ruled by what is true, to speak truth and deal truly with others.  

When he's telling me he'd like to go ahead with his plan even though we're not agreed on it right now....  Well then?  What freedom and grace for me to let it be.  I may feel strongly, but that doesn't mean I'm right and I'm a much happier wife to lay things down and trust my love and my Lord and hopefully break free of more of this self-intoxication.  

When I'm sure I've got the whole whatever-it-is figured out just right and people should be paying me for my opinions on the matter, Bring me to the Truth!  And for petty bothers, like when I feel like pulling my hair out because Proverbs 25:17 has been broken yet again, and I Cannot Take It Anymore?   I can remember, He Will Give me Strength for This.  He is with me even now....Peace, Peace.

When I don't know what to do, how to handle it, how to proceed....  He has promised me wisdom and that He is with me.  And that doesn't mean there won't be soul trembling over important matters, but there should be still remembering:  I'm Anchored to Love.  I'm not a slave to fear.  He won't let me go.    

And for the very real days when it's the truth on the ground that is most painful to dwell on (no lies needed for despair to feel justified) Oh God! help me to set my mind on things above and the joy that is promised still ahead.  

Oh Father God, give me your peace, joy, and freedom in the blazing, beautiful power of your Truth.  

on Pintrest and craving beauty

Wonderful thoughts here, yet again, from Rachel Jankovic... This time she's writing about pintrest and how we can misuse it and deceive and distract ourselves with it.


Oh God of All, may I see life and light and truth in the truth of Who you are, Eternally Good.   Please keep me from the distractions called rewards and entitlements and "relaxation" that our culture applauds and assumes.  Pour my life out in spirit and in truth... worship, for You.

Where I hunger to make my life beautiful... to hopefully be beautiful, and create beauty in relationships and on our table and in song and every way....  lead me to You, the only Eternally Beautiful Truth.

May all my soul hungers bring me empty before you, to that blessed state of poverty and grief and meekness... the end of myself, to the fullness, the brimming pleasure and satisfaction of YOU.

May my quest for perfection give way to acceptance of all.... all that you give as chosen, intended for me, received with the promise to one day be redeemed.   There are no interruptions under a Sovereign King.

I belong to you, Maker, Redeemer.  Have your way.  Sear your beauty deepest into my soul.

And may the blaze of your glory leave me awestruck and still before YOU.

Amen.

Beauty, Honor, Immodesty & Power

I just don't know if it could get any better than this.  Bravo, Jessica Rey.  Thank you facebook friends, for this link!

In this short talk, that is oh-so-worth the 9 minutes to watch, Ms. Rey explains the history of the swimsuit and the research that tells plainly how men react to images of women in itsy-bitsy swimsuits and images of women dressed more modestly.

There are hundreds of comments after the video about girls having the right to wear what they want, but the case has been made ever so plainly (and we all know this anyways) that a woman's dress can be like a trigger for a man.  Yes, still, he is absolutely, entirely responsible for his actions, but there is honor to be had here for women and honor to be given to men in a woman's choice of dress.   And oh, Christians, there is honor to be given to the Lord when we present ourselves beautifully and appropriately for his glory.  What dignity for men and women to relate with each other as equally valueable in the image of God, not seeking to sway, to manipulate others, by our powers of allure or seeking to use others as an non-personal object for "my" pleasure.

A radiantly God-glorifying marriage is the place for magnificent immodesty and all the joy and irregretable freedom in expression and relationship that it should and does lead to.  But our dress in public should be aimed to communicate honor to others (to light up the parts of their brains where they can appreciate us as people), and honor for ourselves (we are more valuable than mere sex objects), and for the Lord who made us in His magnificent image as thinkers, worshippers, feelers, as whole people, and not simply as sexual animals.

She mentions that the 1960's sexual revolution was largely after power for women.... but she presents the case so well ...  (my paraphrase) The power that's derived from the freedom to reveal yourself or draw attention to your body is not equality or honor for a woman or for a man.  The power to make men look at you like an object, like a tool they could use, is not a virtuous power for any person or helpful to any society.  

Yes, modesty is a cultural issue and it does change and it's a matter for wisdom with hearts seeking the Spirit and not the letter of the law.  And it most certainly isn't about controlling anyone.  God-honoring, beautiful modesty is not a matter of controlling women by telling them that they must wear only XYZ but about inviting them to choose dignity and communicate the high worth with which they were made.  It's equally freeing for men because it invites and encourages them to respond honorably to women as people who were made to radiate the multi-faceted glory of God and not just a single sexual impulse.

"Modesty isn't about covering up our bodies because they're bad; it isn't about hiding ourselves.  It's about revealing our dignity,"  Jessica Rey says.  Modesty is important because people are, and people are worth more than just sex.  Our modesty in public and dignity at all times is an honor to celebrate and a delight to give as praise to our Maker!

Character {Heart and Home}

"May my character, not my circumstances, chiefly engage me."  

from the Valley of Vision, book of prayers

When we returned to China after 5 months in America, I was so relieved to be in our own place again.  We had stayed in 20ish places, usually with our gracious hosts, and almost always with a dozen (or a hundred) rules for the kids to follow about what they can and can't touch/ do/ play with...  Being in our own home again was like liberation for all of us.   We try to keep our place neat (and the kids are learning to be so much more mindful and helpful towards that end- so nice!)  but it is a busy, lived-in home.  

I often need this application of the prayer above:  "May the character of my heart, more than the character of my home, chiefly concern and engage me."  How many times do I get crispy-ugly-yucko with our kids while I'm aiming to get our home to some allusive state of near-perfection?  Lord, help me to lay it down.  

And Lord help me believe the truth that happiness does not come from having a clean home, but only from You.  May I not lay my own heart under the Enchanter's lie that I cannot be happy or have peace unless we are as tidy as can be.  Even when guests are coming.  Yes, even then.  

We really can live in a home that looks lived in.  We can live amidst a little mess.  It doesn't need to stress me out or bring me to the point of breaking down.   I can be broken instead, broken open with joy by serving people, meeting with my kids and bending low to look and love them in the eyes, and even to meet with guests in the midst of just a little organically growing, real, messy homelife.  

Now there is the true point to be made, that when I get dressed for the day, I accomplish worlds more in just a morning than I could make a pajamaed version of me get done in 24 hours.  Matt has seen it to, how dressing for business (which is much easier here than in America) hones his attention and somehow increases his efficientcy.  And I cannot afford to loose that in my home either.  But these prayers and this subtle ever-growing change in me means two things

First, I’ve got to adjust my standards for what I can feel effective in.  If I must have an absolutely spotless home in order to feel like I can get a good thing done in the day, well then, I’ll be spending vain hours cleaning and tidying and retidying my home.  And I'll be doing the exact same thing the next day too (we've got 4 kiddos on the loose here.)  Or if I can offer up a bit of lived in stuff strewn about my house to the Lord and find his blessing for it, his peace... even him in the midst of it... then I can move on to accomplish more, right there in our scatteryness. 

And I’ve also got to set my mind to doing the needed, most strategic amount of house work regularly so that I am helped to maximize my efforts and increase efficientcy every day for his glory.  

What joy it is to run a home, to serve and bless a family, to welcome guests!  Such joy in prayer and having a God who hears and loves me, his very own daughter, who he completely accepts while she is so far from a perfect housekeeper!   

Yes, Lord, may the character of my heart, not my home, chiefly engage me!   And too, may my home be a refuge of peace and rest and life and joy in this dirty, broken world...  all in You, for You,  for Your Glory, my King!

two guards at the door

My dear friend and blog-mentor, Ann, has invited us to write about words.  It's a good push to gather my thoughts and experiences recently as I've been paying closer attention to my own.  The tongue.... my tongue: fire-starter or overflowing storehouse of goodness?  


I'm a verbal processor.  I like to tell stories and I really like (ok, too often I feel like I need) people to understand my stories, understand my heart in telling them.  I've known this for years.  But only recently have I caught on to one special feature of this craziness...


Sometimes I get pretty heated up if I feel like my point is not understood, my heart not heard.  My wonderful love is not a man who tends to be quick with words.  And sometimes if I'm telling him what happened in a day, or what I'm fearing might be, and I don't hear enough verbal feedback from him..... suddenly, sadly, my words can turn up a level- the intensity, the urgency, the passionate "need" to be understood- and the story becomes more than it is or really needs to be.  And to be honest, sometimes my story stays hot like this until I'm agreed with. Ug.  That's an I-really-wish-it-wasn't-the-case confession, not a proud boast.


The craziness flows quick.  My words come faster than feelings sometimes, or at least I hear my words before I am aware of my feelings.  When my words expand around some proud ambition inside me, it's no good at all for my heart.


Jesus said it's from the heart that the mouth speaks.  So, there, the true bottom line.  I know my heart is set, fueled, raring to go, but somehow hearing my own uncontrolled words, my own frustrated voice, knowing my face has slumped angry, feels like permission or an excuse for my heart to leap into an all-the-more wild race after untruth.


But there is a very good part to this lesson:  to be self-controled with my words and especially how my words are communicated (my voice and face) is going a long way to control my heart to stay to what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable... It's finally occurred to me that if I can control the tone of my voice and the character displayed on my face, then my heart stays anchored worlds better and it doesn't get the chance to race so far into its sinful selfishness.  With these two guards in place, choosing wise words and sincerely communicating them is infintely easier.

Set a guard over my mouth, LORD;

keep watch over the door of my lips.

Psalm 141:3

Maybe it has something to do with my first line of attack:  choosing to engage my brain (selecting words) or engage my heart (choosing gentleness and love)?  Of course I'll have to choose good words to speak, but if it's already decided that I will say whatever those words are with a calm, peaceful, loving voice, then triumph is near, the battle feels almost already won.... at least it does for me.   When my heart is guarded, constrained, controlled (instead of flung on the waves of any ole' worldly passion or pregnant compulsion).... the words that will flow out of it will be much more full of Christ.  


So this seems to be how things are working for me lately.  Aiming my attack on my brain- to wisely select words- has left me feeling like a hypocrite and usually hardly helps.  On the other hand, determining that I am not allowed to raise my voice, speak unkindly, or give angry, disapproving, disappointed eyes has narrowed the range of possibilities not only for the words that come out, but also for my heart that reacts to the words that it hears.  

We are not there yet, folks.  I have a long way to go in strengthening these self-control muscles.  But praise be to the Lord, I'm finding much grace in attending to these two guards, setting the tone of my voice and displaying Christ's grace on my face, to guide and guard my tongue to pour out only good, strengthening, life-giving words.


Oh please make it so Lord, in your grace, for your praise!

Detour... on the self control route

I've felt pretty squeemish about posting such a vulnerable view of my heart in these thoughts about self control recently. I've decided that it's unnecessarily painful and, more importantly, just plain dumb to write all this "for public accountability."

I am still heading the same direction with these thoughts, though. But, I feel a lot better about writing for the purpose of "undefending my sin." All the things I'm thinking of for this issue matter to me because at some point I've discussed with one or maybe one hundred different people sin that too often ends up being defended or justified by me or by others. There's never a justification for it. My make-up tricks don't hide what is truly ugly. And I don't want to hide...

I want to be transformed by Christ, filled with his Spirt, to love radically and serve sacraficially. Too often I think of this kind of battle cry as something to demonstrate to those outside... but I think it must be pure and true right here in my heart and home before it can be shown to, let alone, change the world.

Self Control: But I Have Young Kids

Self Control, Part Three

Toddlers. Slowness. Disobedience. Potty Training. Temper Tantrums.

For me, nothing has rubbed my sore need for humility and patience harder than some of these moments. These moments with the dearest and weakest people in my life.

Too many times well meaning friends have tried to encourage me that my maternal madness is justifiable. I really don’t need any support for this. My own pride does a great job deceiving me at these opportunities. But I think all such justification and unkindness and impatience is really just plain, dirty sin.

Scripture is clear: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another...” This, mixed with all of Jesus’ stooping, serving, patient, joyful, gentle love towards children and his aim that we should love children like that too (it’s exactly how we love him) is too solid a stone. I stumble right there.

I can’t keep walking ahead proudly if I have treated my kids unkindly because we’re late and they should know how important it is that we get out the door. Or if I plop my girl down on the potty harshly because she just had seven accidents, and now she tells me she needs to go? Or when my four year old is howling because he doesn’t want to wear those socks.... can I not handle myself calmly to love him soundly as he needs?

Kindness. I need and really want to treat my kids with kindness. Not just most of the time. I don't think that being their authority- even in discipline moments- allows me to be unkind. Nothing permits unkindness. It's all sin.

I need a great dose of repentance. Sweet filling of God’s Spirit for long-suffering, serving, loving, joyous, self control to bless these immeasurably precious gifts, these eternal images of God, that he has entrusted to me. Entrusted to me for me to model his patient grace and care and love for them.

I will fail. My kids will know that every day and every day we’ll all look to Jesus for forgiveness and grace. But may that same grace also go far in empowering me to be self-controlled in my love and service for these little treasures. I do believe that’s what his grace is intended for.

Come and do your work here, Word and Spirit of God!

Self Control: Conviction’s Sweet Fruit

I’ve always known self control is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5) and generally a good thing. I’ve known that I need to apply self control if I go shopping. I can’t spend money that isn’t budgeted, that we don’t have. Regarding brownies, I know I need to limit myself to three (or four) servings and no more (I’m a nursing mom!). But honestly, that’s about all I’d considered as application for this virtue in my life. Of course I would have said I want to be self-controlled... but really, what shape would that take in my life?

For several months, the Lord has seemed to bring this virtue before my eyes, convicting my heart for it. I need it badly for life and growth.

Some specific areas for self control:

• in my relationship and communication with my husband
• for disciplining and instructing our kids
• in my thought life- not dwelling on what I wish I would have said, how I could defend myself, what I think she meant by that, or how I could twist that situation for my good or for my pity.

Matt and I really value blessing our kids with discipline (though sometimes you might not guess it if you were to watch them- oh for grace!). We want to train them to make it their aim to please the Lord and to know and do what is right and good. We don’t think they’ll stumble upon it apart from clear direction and instruction from the Word of God.

Being disciplined to learn skills and study to know the world will open up worlds of freedom and beauty for them. Just like the splendor created by a diligently practiced pianist isn’t free to lazy takers. We want this kind of heart and skills for our kiddos and we’re willing to work for it.

And just as this kind of discipline for our kids bears good fruit, I am seeing self-control bear sweet fruit for my own heart and in our home. Oh for more of this sweet grace, Lord!

In the next several days, I’ll be posting about a few of these areas, as a way of public accountability. I welcome your fellowship to walk towards more of Christ in this way together.