compelled

I just got to listen to David Brainerd's biography, a talk by J. Piper, and was sweetly blessed and mightily compelled by God's grace in his life. His life was short: he died when he was 29, in 1746 (or '47?), after approx 8 years of suffering and hard persevering through Tuberculosis. But his life was rich, deeply, abundantly rich- not only in his personal enjoyment of God but also in his fruitful service among Native American Indians in New England, and, as we can see now, in his lasting impact on generations who have cherished and been inspired by his journal.

His life is a bold testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness to minister to and to use broken, weak vessels greatly for his glory.... broken, weak ones like Brainerd, and me, and all of us.

Here's a few quotes:
"Brainerd's life is one long agonizing strain to redeem the time, not grow weary in well-doing, and to abound in the work of the Lord." - said of DB by JP

"Oh how sweet it is to be spent and worn out for God." - DB

"Oh that I might not loiter on my heavenly journey." - DB

And he often wrote of fasting and prayer, of praying for long stretches of the day or many intervals in a day. In a letter to young ministers, he wrote, urging them "to build into their lives fasting and prayer." His is surely a sweet example of a life so well lived, so sweetly, satisfyingly invested.

I hope so much that you will check these biographical talks, download them and drink deeply. If you find yourself with a choice of how to spend an hour- please consider feasting your soul here, as I do believe it will stir your heart for the Lord and your prayers for his work in your life.

There is something dearly excellent about enjoying such biographies... not just one scripture passage taught through (which we need to feed on too!) but scripture lived..... like I want to live. Oh Lord compel us to live so for you!

(Some of my favorite biographies are "Brothers, we must not mind a little suffering"- Charles Simeon, "The Swan is not Silent"- Augustine, "You will be eaten by Cannibals!"- John G. Paton, and "How few there are who die so hard!"- Adoniram Judson.)

Also, much (or possibly all?) of Brainerd's journal has been posted online in the form of a blog. You can read it here.

don't let this pain be wasted, Lord

When I first wrote about our niece Maelee's death, I thought I would not write here for a long time. But my mind has changed already. It's therapy for me too. Maybe it's because I'm "an open book" and share pretty freely about myself or maybe it's because I know so many of our dear friends are dearly concerned for our family, even though most of you don't know them at all (thank you for your care). Regardless, I've decided to share some of my and some of our processing for this loss on our blog.

At the time of my mom's death, one of the prayers that I felt my spirit greatly fortified by was that the Lord not let my mom's death or my pain at her loss be wasted. "Gain every ounce of glory you deserve from this, Lord. Change me in whatever way you want to. Speak of your goodness amidst this sorrow. Show Yourself as God. Provide for our hearts. Anchor us in Your Word. Help us to dwell on truth. Draw us to you."

I think part of my desire to write here is to record some of God's answers to that prayer in this time of loss and to testify to others that are grieving with us and grieving around us, that God is still God and he is still good. I know for our whole family, we all long that Maelee's death be used maximally for God's glory.

The first few days of this tragedy I spent a fair bit of time online looking for encouragement. I found George Mueller's biography- a talk by John Piper- to be excellent comfort for my soul. George Mueller was married to his first wife, Mary, for 39 years. Below is a section of Piper's talk reviewing how Mueller processed the loss of his beloved wife:

Mary's Death and the Key to His Life

We have the full text of the message at Mary's funeral and we have his own recollections of this loss. To feel the force of what he says, we have to know that they loved each other deeply and enjoyed each other in the work they shared.

Were we happy? Verily we were. With every year our happiness increased more and more. I never saw my beloved wife at any time, when I met her unexpectedly anywhere in Bristol, without being delighted so to do. I never met her even in the Orphan Houses, without my heart being delighted so to do. Day by day, as we met in our dressing room, at the Orphan Houses, to wash our hands before dinner and tea, I was delighted to meet her, and she was equally pleased to seeme. Thousands of times I told her—“My darling, I never saw you at any time, since you became my wife, without my being delighted to see you.”

Then came the diagnosis: “When I heard what Mr. Pritchard's judgment was, viz., that the malady was rheumatic fever, I naturally expected the worst. . . . My heart was nigh to be broken on account of the depth of my affection.” The one who had seen God answer 10,000 prayers for the support of the orphan, this time did not get what he asked. Or did he?

Twenty minutes after four, Lord's Day, February 6, 1870, Mary died. “I fell on my knees and thanked God for her release, and for having taken her to Himself, and asked the Lord to help and support us.” He recalled later how he strengthened himself during these hours. And here we see the key to his life.

The last portion of scripture which I read to my precious wife was this: “The Lord God is a sun and shield, the Lord will give grace and glory, no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Now, if we have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, we have received grace, we are partakers of grace, and to all such he will give glory also. I said to myself, with regard to the latter part, “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly”—I am in myself a poor worthless sinner, but I have been saved by the blood of Christ; and I do not live in sin, I walk uprightly before God. Therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again; sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. And all this springs, as I have often said before, from taking God at his word, believing what he says.

Here is the cluster of unshakable convictions and experiences that are the key to this remarkable life. “I am in myself a poor worthless sinner.”I have been saved by the blood of Christ.” “I do not live in sin.”God is sovereign over life and death. If it is good for her and for me, she will be restored again. If not she won't.”My heart is at rest.”I am satisfied with God.” All this comes from taking God at his word. There you see the innermost being of George Mueller and the key to his life. The word of God, revealing his sin, revealing his Savior, revealing God's sovereignty, revealing God's goodness, revealing God's promise, awakening his faith, satisfying his soul. “I was satisfied with God.”

Charles Simeon

"What I have found in my own experience, is that my own personal disappointments and discouragements find resources for endurance when I have before me a model of one who endured. I find tremendous strength flowing to me if I can put before me, in my minds eye, somebody who incurred or experienced what I'm experiencing and more and held on or even thrived in the midst of it.

I think we live in a very emotionally fragile time, and I am a child of my times much more than I wish I were. When I'm honest with myself, the things I hate about my culture, I see evidences in myself. By "emotionally fragile," I mean that we are easily hurt: we pout easily, we mope easily. When I say "we" I mean the American culture, inside and outside the church. We break easily. Our marriages break easily. Our faith breaks easily. Our happiness breaks easily. Our commitment to the ministry and to the church breaks easily. We are easily disheartened and discouraged. We seem to have very few resources and little capacity for thriving in criticism and opposition.

The typical emotional response in a church where your people reject your ideas is: 'Well if that's the way they feel about me, then I'll just find another church.' We don't see a lot of models of people who live out the rugged words 'count it all joy brothers when you fall into various trials.'

I think that when historians write about the character traits of the later quarter of the twentieth century, words like commitment, constancy, tenacity, endurance, patience, resolve, perseverance won't be on the list at all- not even at the bottom. At the top of the list will be an all-consuming interest in self-esteem. Sub points under that list will be self-assertiveness, self-enhancement and self-realization.

And if you think you're not a child of your culture, then I suggest that you just test yourself and ask how emotionally you respond when significant people in your life reject your ideas.

We need help here. We are surrounded in a society of emotionally fragile quitters. And a good bit of that ethos is in you and me and therefore I have found that one of the weapons against being that way is to nuzzle up close to people who aren't that way- even if they're dead.... And most of them are.

'Be imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.' Hebrews 6:12."

John Piper began his biographical talk on the life of Charles Simeon with the words above and when I listened to them, they shook me inside. I need this. I need this badly.

Far too often I am exactly this: an emotionally fragile quitter. And far to often I don't fight this gross tendancy at all. May it not be any longer, by the grace of God.

For me, one example I can think of being like this is when I encounter difficult cultural stressors- comments, stares, obstacles- that I chalk up to being because I live here. Some days I can blame so much on the hereness (if you will) of my life, it's just ridiculous (and altogether grievous). And far too often in this blaming, there is a self-satisfying justification that my rebellion against loving people when I feel insulted or just plain awkward is entirely reasonable or permitted. But it isn't. Not at all.

I sometimes also quit wayyyy to easily and give in to reacting out of my flesh when dealing with temper moments from disobedient or honestly, sometimes just plain curious, playful toddlers. Some might say "but that's only natural." But Scripture says that's not what God sent the Holy Spirit for- so we could live merely natural lives.

I thought of Jonathan Edwards Resolutions... When he was a young guy (19 years old, I think) he wrote up 70 defining resolutions for his life. I would shy away from calling what is below "resolution" for myself, except that I am hugely comforted by the intro he wrote to his own 70.... and I think that maybe, in that same spirit of things (you'll have to check the link to read his intro), I can say-

Resolved, to think less of myself: to consider every interest in self gain or self protection as negative points against me- utter loss- and to patiently and generously love others above myself, to the glory of Christ.

When I feel like others are demanding or expecting far too much of me: humble yourself, serve them. When I feel like my own needs or desires are not being met: lay them down. When I feel like obstacles and responsibilities have piled up too high for me to ever overcome them: go to the Lord and give him your burdens, and then press on. Consider Him who endured the cross and nuzzle up next to Him right there- against our God who humbled himself and served, and loved us to his death.

Lord give me grace to uphold these resolutions.

I really think that perhaps one of the highest privileges of motherhood (and living overseas like this) is having such daily opportunities for being humbled and refined and for learning to serve others with the Spirit of Christ. May it be a joy to us all and may the Lord be glorified in our homes and hearts as He works His grace in these opportunities!