Saturday, September 18, 2010

moving forward

Just a quick note from a sleepyhead.... wishing my body would let me sleep through the 3-5 am block, but something with this pregnancy seems to jolt me awake and keep me awake most nights.

As I look down, I'm more convinced than ever. I've been fiercely hungry for weeks. Emotional. Crying for joy over the shimmer of dew on grass and struggling hard with heinous thoughts of cultural superiority. Mind spinning with self defense for the continual comments and stares (there's nothing inappropriate culturally here about wide open, point blank, dropped-mouth staring) that we get for simply having three children in this land of one child only. And guilt for the un-Christlikeness of such proud self defense.

And now four. I'll admit I enjoyed the shock on the face of the ladies on the street who were gaping at three kids in a bike when they heard there was one more on the way.

But now this little one is popping out, clearly moving to the brim of my belly. A little life.
Life. I don't remember feeling so much movement already. It's just been several days, maybe a week, since the first flutter, and now I feel those precious ripplings several times a day.

We're traveling to the capital next week for a friend's wedding and I'll get an appointment and ultrasound at the hospital there where Marian and John were born. I think I'm about 15 weeks. This might be my last appointment till we head back there next March for the birth since medical care available here is emotionally really hard for me to handle. (I could write more later.... the point is that, by God's grace, we could be healthy physically here, but the local hospital would be so hard for me emotionally with the lack of privacy, cleanliness, decency/respect/dignity with which patients seem to me to be treated, that it seems better for my heart to train across the country to the capital for delivery... and we really want Matt present for the birth, which isn't an option here.)

All that to say.... it is an incredible joy to have this growing life inside me. This new person! For this dreamy moment of dark morning, this growing belly is altogther captivating to me. Who is this new person inside!? Such miraculous, mysterious, wonder, and gift. We are so grateful, so soo grateful to the Giver of Life.

Here's a sweet bit from a post on .
... I see more than a baby.
I see a harvest…the fruit of our love, the physical reminder of “two becomes one”, the labor of our hands through the years, a heritage, for me, from my Father.
My vision goes beyond that sweet little face and all the messes I know I will clean up, and the mid-night feedings that aren’t easy, the squabbles and the stains on the furniture, the tears and laughter, and the days I just want quiet…
There’s a whole generation underneath that spaghetti-smeared face that’s been given to me.
And it’s worth it.
And I want to be here when the harvest is fully ripe….
But I won’t.
Because the seeds we plant now will grow beyond us and the harvest will become unable to be measured.
So I will keep pulling the weeds, planting the seeds, nurturing, watering, tending and praying for growth, thanking God for the miracles.
And I will have the FAITH to believe that His glory will burst forth.


  1. Oh Jill, I find myself trying to imagine what your life is like.. imagining what it would be like to walk down the street with you- to let our kids play while we catch up (and try to keep up with them). We will pray, along with you, for health so that you can avoid the experiences of your current health care setting!

  2. REJOICING WITH YOU ! You are wise to not go local- we did with Salome and in the end His grace was enough- but I will not go that route again! Enjoy every dong :) Em

  3. Praying for you, dear friend. That is all I have... No words of wisdom, no great little saying. Just that I am praying for you. And know that I have a heart filled with JOY that Baby K is dancing inside your belly. :)

    Much love to you!! Rebekah