recently...

 There's my fantastic beginner reader, awesome artist big boy.  If only he wouldn't dodge the camera so much these days he'd show up here so much more often and make this mama so glad.....  

Here's our pretty little sitter.  How is it she's so big already!?  She's not up on her knees to high yet for a regular crawl but she can slither much faster than I would ever want to see a snake go!  

 Can you spot the slit on her bottom right gum where her first tooth peaked through on the eve of her 8 month mark this past week?

Truth Habit

Saturday morning was a rough patch for me.   I was not in the pit of depression and I still laughed happy some that day...  but it wasa bit grey for a stretch and so I'm going to preach a little sermon (post) to myself to lift my eyes and heart to the Truth...

But first, here's the backdrop for you:

Saturday morning I skyped with one of my dearest friends in the world.  She stood up and we finally got the camera position just right so I could see how ripe and round her belly is, full of life.  And I got her email about all the girlfriends who were welcome to come by her place as soon as she's in labor.  (She even has a hamper set aside for them to match socks for her, such a thoughtful host to provide an activity for the waiting.)  I love this girl and I love that baby coming soon and my man, and our babies and I are half the world away from all those friends that will gather with all their babies.

Then we ate breakfast on the "boat" that the kids arranged out of the living room furniture.  That was my best shot at trying to give the kids a fun mom morning.... but it ended with too many messes, an increasingly grumpy mom, and the corner of the table impressed on John's forehead looking like a blue and purple marble bulging under his skin.  (The pancakes were delicious though.  Thank you, darling!)

After clean up that took probably an hour longer than it needed to, Marian and I decided to bake pretzel rolls.  Ugly thoughts swirled through my head, jealous bitterness about how how far we are from the lucky people who can just go to the store and buy pretzels or ice cream or tortilla chips...  and how if we could buy pretzels, we'd probably also have heat and how nice that would be... (really though, we'll have heat in less than two weeks now! and what of the millions in this country that won't have heat all winter long!?  This complaining and ungratefulness is shameful but true!)

Matt started packing up to head out to class.  It was almost noon so he asked me what we were going to do for lunch.... (I don't think I ever asked him.  Darn selfishness!) With my plainest face, I told him that the kids and I would be fasting from lunch that day.... and Matt and I enjoyed a quick moment of amazement together at the work load involved in loving these precious treasured gifts the Lord has so generously given us.  (Don't get me wrong.... not for one millisecond have our kids been unloved, it's just that the amount of work it is to care for them and keep up with life continually astounds and exhausts me!)

But it was true,   Daddy would be gone the rest of the day and I still needed to feed this crew....  I misread the recipe and the pretzels- the half batch that we managed to unstick from the pan- turned out pretty unspecial but at least we did have something to eat.

Then, after too much more mess making and grumpy mess-cleaning, we made it to reading time and nap time (such a Gift of God!) and that's when my language tutor arrived for my class too...

And by the Lord's great grace.... the day ended much happier than it began.

Now here's what I want to lift my head up for... to set my mind on...   I want to take captive these untrue thoughts and bind my mind to dwell on Truth... a habit of speaking the truth to myself.  This time, this truth is from Habakkuk.

Though I am way too far from my dearest friends 
and from our fun family,


though new lives are being born 
that will be unheld, unkissed (by us) for years, 
and our littlest is unkissed by all of those far-away (except her travel-pro, wonderful grandparents,)


though we are cold, 
(and this country doesn't seem to sell a single blanket long enough for us)
and we are hungry for home,


though the skies are grey,
and rust and smogified cement cloud my views,


though our kids are kids (and while they are treasured and delighted in)
I am still so tired from meeting their needs for care and help still pretty much 24 hours a day...


Yet...
none of this is paramount.


Despite all that makes me feel empty and broken and tired and needy,
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.


God, the Lord, is my strength 
he charges my heart with his power 
so that I can rise,

be reminded of the truth of his patient, forgiving love for me!  
and behold His faithfulness, 
in the midst of all my grey,


that I may dwell richly in the land of his promise:
"I am, that I am."
"I am with you."
"You are mine."

(an adaptation/ paraphrase of Habakkuk 3:17-19)

Lord, please help me to rejoice in you despite everything (however silly or serious) here.


This post from David Powlison about Psalm 23 and what he wrote as an "antipsalm" inspired me to adapt/apply this passage like this.  Powlison's post is so outstandingly worth sharing, worth discussing with everyone....  oh to live and apply the truth of the true psalm!

How did I ever...

...get it this good?  I still shake my head with wonder, these seven and a half years in, that I could ever be married to this man, ever get to raise these four precious lives born out of our love, ever serve and take joy on the front-lines of this life/battle together with him.

I remember an awkward (oh so tempted to write awful except that the Lord redeemed it) internship I was in more than a decade ago.  All of us singles who wanted to work overseas got to take a class on marriage and family:  me and three guys.  (Ug.)  The class came late in our internship and I had already decided not to work overseas with that group, and the teacher had probably finalized his letters home about me (that I would never do well working overseas), and two of the guys kept running into brick walls when trying to discuss views of marriage with me.  Why would I argue for this position?  Surely I was demeaning my gender??  No, I still disagree with those dorks ( :) )

I dreamt of marriage being a living picture of the Gospel, Christ pursuing his bride and loving her with her life, her responding with all the lavishness of a heart delighted in and made beautiful by the Lover's love.  I dreamt of love and being served and serving gladly, mutual submission.  And I was scoffed at- surely I was the young, dumb one- who would say roles in marriage seemed most sparklingly beautiful.... They thought that unless a husband and wife shared everything straight down the middle (each with a little of every role and responsibilty) that I was degrading myself.  (Not so!)

I dreamt of raising kiddos and serving up yumminess daily when he would come home, squeeze my shoulders and kiss me in the kitchen before sitting down for dinner with our little ones (who, in the dream, were never grumpy and were always perfectly obedient, of course, because we would be patient, perfect parents...) well... it works in my dream anyway.

YES.  This was my dream then and it's my delight now to serve in our home.  I don't view work in the home as slave labor or as menial work that any 12 year old could do....  My view of homelife - the ideals we are striving after here- are way too glorious to be so mocked or misunderstood.  This job takes all of me (physically, emotionally, spiritually), challenges me, and requires great grace from God continually even to keep things nearly rolling well here... I love every aspect and need every bit of this refining!  Matt and I are agreed that the work in our home is the most important job in our lives, not second to anything he does at the office or in the classroom all day long.

My prose is getting away from me here so I'll just cut to the punch and tell you:  I have been more blessed than I ever had dreamed.  The Lord has completely outdone himself to give me such a man.

March 14, 2004

Matt has four evenings of class each week right now.  I'm tired when he comes home.   This semester is also the heaviest load I've had in language study since Isaiah was our only infant and we've added 3 kiddos and several more responsibilities since then.   I'm tired and he's tired...  (Masters in Chinese, 3rd language study, helping start up a business and lots of relationships, yada yada yada....)   but still, when he comes home, he jumps into our circus like the ring leader he is, getting tackled, giving tickles and sometimes spanks and often pep talks and always hugs before he even gets a drink of water or a potty break of his own.   All this, often after a 1.5 hour bike road home in the cold.  (Edit:  he just clarified that he rides 1.5 hour daily but round trip...  I still think he's awesome.)  He loves me and he loves our kids so blazingly, wonderfully much (and he'll probably be embarrassed when he reads this and ask me to take it down, but I won't (though I truly usually do value the respect and submission bit)....  Sorry Darling.)

I am so glad I get to lead our home and he gets to lead us all in it.   He's the director of our show (though he also submits to the Script and it's Writer).  I'm the stage manager.   I'm so blessed that the weight and responsibility of ultimately keeping the roof over this circus is on his shoulders and not mine.  But my role is crucial too.  And while it's different than his  (just like I'm different than him) there's no thought of my work or my value being any less than his, him...  I love it.  I love him.  


Next week we're starting to meet with our tutors (a sweet dating couple) for an attempt at premarital counseling.  It will be something to talk about love and humility and what makes a marriage and selflessness, sacrifice, service, perseverance and forgiveness with these guys.  We look forward to sharing with them about the love of God- 1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 3:16- and how all this is unattainable with mere human effort but it gets planted in us like a seed to grow by the One who has first loved us so lavishly.   Selfless love.  Forgiveness.   God Does This.  



The pleasure is all mine that I should get to grow with this man to know and love and serve this Lover God with him.   


Thank you, Thank you, Lord.



I need sleep tonight (please kiddos!) so I can't go into much here.... but for a tiny bit more about Complementarianism (this view of equal and distinct and beautifully complementary roles for men and women), you could check this post or this free online book.

our little chivalrous one

This boy is so much fun, such a delight to each of us and I think, to everyone who knows him...

I love sitting across from him at the table and watching his joy in his daddy.

John has a wacky ridiculous sense of humor.  I don't know where he comes up with some of his goofiness... though "funny faces" at the table is entirely instigated by Daddy- a fun tradition for us.

 A dear friend recently recommended "Bonhoeffer:  Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy" by Eric Metaxas.  (It's wonderful!  Such a joy and inspiration to read, and a pleasure to read "with" a friend even at such a distance.  Thank you LS!)

Metaxas shared some sweet bits that siblings remembered about Bonhoeffer from when he was very young.  When I first read some of it I was a bit skeptical.  What real live toddlers show such chivalry as to defend their sisters from creatures (bugs) or encourage others with selfless words of love and serve them with bravery?  But I've been taken aback to realize that there are some real-live evidences of such grace in the sweet little boy here in our home.

This week when Marian missed Daddy (whose had too many evening classes this semester, come quickly final exams!) John told her "It's ok Ma-yin.  Daddy be home soon.  Cuddle you.  Ok?"  He invited Vivi to sit with him in the basket that used to be her bed, that for this instant was fashioned into a boat for John to sail the seven seas.  He held her close to him and then let her scoot to her side of the ship.  But every few seconds he'd hug her again and put his head next to hers, like he did in his photo with her on our patio a few posts back.

We've had a guest this week and when he joins us at the table in the morning, John points out every item on the table, "Do you want bagels? apples?"  This morning when Isaiah asked me about a watch that he loved that's been missing for months, John replied "I'll find it.  I look for it, k?"

And he is brave too... the big kids were just playing together:  May a bunny, John a frog and Isaiah a lion.   Isaiah jumped out roaring at them and the bunny and frog came running to mama, squealing-shaking with delight-fear.  Then Isaiah said, "Now John is the lion" and right away he roared a (not) terrible roar and showed his (not) terrible claws and chased them both around the living room.  The big brother and sister roared and squealed with pure delight.  And I was impressed one again with our boy.  May he be just so brave for our Lord.

What an honor it would be if the Lord would raise up our John like he did Dietrich Bonhoeffer.   May John know and love, praise and proclaim the goodness and sovereignty of our God like Bonhoeffer.  May each one of our kids...

Oh, and it must also be mentioned that although Bonhoeffer's biography is super inspiring, he was no super-human.  And neither is our ordinary-wonderful, sinful, precious, everyday-disciplined John.

Here's some proof that he's not the only one having fun (or getting messy!) at the breakfast table...

This little girl is a crazy banana addict these days and, right now, she's really into this little mesh bag toy-thing that she slurps her banana out of.  (Sorry for any of you who might be like Matt, and get a bit queezy if you look long at this gooey mess all over our girl.  Her smile is still worth posting to me!)

One day last week, some (smoggy) fog induced all four of these sweethearts to nap in the afternoon and then, as if that wasn't gift enough!, we had a cuddle fest on our bed at wake up time.  Of course I wish our linens were all fresh and the kids were all clothed and matching, but since this slightly messier place is where we really live, this is what you get... with a few blank stares and grumpy-silly looks and giggly smiles altogether.

a good day for...

A good day for photos....  (My cool SIL's post- a photo shoot of our favorite 6mo little boy- reminded me of the joy of indulging myself in a long, fun photo shoot of our (spectacular) kids.)

A good day for a scooter and slides...

 A good day for a little big brother to push the little love...

A good day for gifts...  (thanks Yeye and Naia Nai!!!)

A good day for friendship and hugs and finally! looking at the camera without some goofy kink in a neck or finger up a nose...  (Honestly, I think this is the first sweet photo I've ever gotten of these two together.  This shot makes my heart skip a beat I just delight in it sooo, delight in these two precious kids sooo much!)  

A good day for closing the blog up quick and snuggling with my man...

recently...

Recently... it's been busy.  I think I owe our "Camera Grandma" some shots from this side of the globe. 

Here's a bit of an afternoon on the back patio... Everyone wanted a cuddle with Vivi...

 Marian has defintely arrived in the 4 year-old, we can hear the angels singing, bit more evident responsibility stage of life.   She is still our firecracker but somehow a tiny more mature one these days.  We are oh so very in love with this girl... with all these sweet kiddos!

John has developed a new dance thing this season...  When he's in the mood, this new grove looks like a mix of mock slow mo ice skating and imaginary gooey mud stepping....  there's a still shot to launch your imagination.

This little girl has begun her career of roaring like the prettiest little lion.  (And she's nearly sitting up all by herself too.)

Bachantical Garden

We visited the little bit botanical, little bit enchanted garden here in town last week.    

 May was absolutely delighted to carry this bottle with her hair she accidentally locked under the lid.

 It was a sweet afternoon there to enjoy the flowers and leaves and birds singing, with this cute couple who are tutoring Matt and I in language.  Oh they are such precious friends and great teachers.

everyday worship

Paper was scarce in the 1700’s.  As I remember from Noel Piper’s excellent biography- talk on Sarah Edwards, some of the records of Jonathan and Sarah’s home that we have today are scraps of well-used paper with sermon notes on one side and shopping lists for Jonathan’s trips into they city on the other.    “Chocolate darling, and more paper...”  that kind of thing.  

Ann Voskamp has pointed out that those lists are sweet to look back on in years to come...  don’t throw out every meal plan, every schedule, every project list.  Some opportunities to look back on those little pieces of family life this year just might be counted as precious in days to come.   So, it’s in that spirit that I record a bit of our family schedule in this season.   

One day last spring, I indulged in a bit of an art project:  this page (above) that I would scan and save and print up weekly to hang on the fridge....  weekly tasks, kids’ activities, meals, guests, classes.  That morning I felt like it was a gift from God to find Psalm 16:5-6 to write over my days:  “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; You hold my lot.  These lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.”  I took one little liberty and changed “The” to “These” to refer to the lines dividing between and holding up each of my days.  And now even those lines speak to me boldly:   each day and all that falls into them, have been ordered by the sovereign God, my Father, who does all things well, who loves me and counts me as precious to him.  That should settle my anxious soul, shouldn’t it!?

But pondering that “WORSHIP” over every hour, every day... I finally realized a very simple thing.  Like the bulletins that our church passes out on Sunday mornings, an order of worship, why not hammer out a simple order of worship for our home to help me be mindful of what our moments, these hours of laughter, learning, sweat, service, tears and occasional quiet together actually are?  Find an order for our every day worship service, our simple, ordinary lives together.  

It makes sense even more to me now, what Ann wrote about somewhere in One Thousand Gifts, about liturgy being rooted in the idea of 'public work'.  Yes-  public work, my daily service to our family, our guests, our neighbors, the regular rhythm of our days, is just this:  a service of worship to God.


Seeing it on the wall- “the time has come”- takes a lot of pressure off me.  I don’t feel like I have to squeeze in time for these most needful, important, beautiful things....  this way I realize that the nonessentials will have to fill the space around these first order priorities.  And I can see too that there is such joy and security in providing this kind of healthy regular rhythm for our kids.  

There are so many advantages, but just these two are enough to make me delight in having such an order for our days:  one, to free me up from having to make decisions throughout the day, to ease the weight of deciding when and how to make the most important things happen, and two, to help me keep my eyes on the truth that each day, this day, is a gift to me, a gift to give in return to the Giver.... a service of worship to Him.  

Elements:  Here I share too many details about the pieces of this plan for us...  honestly, skip it all unless you're crazy interested...

We've been battling sickness and some killer night-time teething/screaming sessions so the 6 am hasn't happened all that regularly the past few days, but we definitely get off to a better start when it does!  Morning exercise for me is usually just a stretch and some silly near-exercises to begin my reading and prayer time....  such a help to get my head and heart awake!

I'm so grateful to have examples and books to learn from about having set-hour prayer throughout the day.  (Here's a post and a book that I've loved.)  Another light I've seen this in lately is with the words of Come Thou Fount....  "bind my wandering soul to Thee."  I've decided that the shorter the tether that binds me to the Lord, the better.  To let time push me up against a stopping point often in the day, that helps me, reminds me to kneel in worship, receive even just a morsel of the Word, give all my cares to the Lord.... it's a very good thing for me.  6am, around 2pm, and 10pm are my times... and hopefully a still moment later in the morning too.....  just so good...

Story Time...  It's silly and even more so, sad, that for as much as I value reading to our kids, there would be days when it didn't happen at all.  And that wasn't because there were other so-glorious things going on.   It's honestly a helpful easy thing for me to be mindful of the time and not have to think any more about it...  "it's story time folks!"  And that means cuddling and talking together too.

Tea Time might just mean a piece of fruit and sip of water or it might mean we bust out the whole tea schabang.   But when it happens (and so far, this is the piece that has been the most variable from day to day) it always means that I get to sit at the table, look at my kids, listen to them, love them with my words, my eyes, my time, and maybe something yummy.  

A confession:  I've realized recently that if I let things go, just flow as they may, then I could go a whole day, or even several days, without hearing any thoughts or dreams, fears or desires, from my kids hearts or stories from their lives.  Without some carefulness, I can spend the whole day keeping things going, providing for their needs, intervening in their battles, and rescuing them from their sometimes foolish fearlessness.  But I do not want to miss a single day of hearing their hearts!

Story time, tea time, and bed time are the best for this right now.  Meal time would be sweet, but lets face it....  getting food in their bellies and the Word in their hearts, managing them not stabbing each other with forks, spilling everything, or falling out of our chairs again really does mean success at the table in this season.  Our four are five and under... and Vivi is just beginning with her table needs too now!

And bed time...  since we've already read in the afternoon (and maybe the morning too?) we often don't read at night.  This works well because sometimes it feels like we have guests more often than not and we don't want bedtime to take 2 hours....  But we're trying to make this one piece more as non-negotiable as prayer:  we talk with our kids at the close of our day.  What are you grateful for today?  Who did you have fun with today?  Do you need to forgive someone today?  Who can we pray for today?  What did you learn about God today?   Do you remember the verse we're learning this week?

I wrote that 10pm would be the end of the work day... Once the kids are in bed, 2 or 3 days a week, Matt and I have declared as time to be online after the kids are in bed and very often this "work time" is not so much work.... but sometimes work feels like it could fill all night until morning!  (language studies, homeschool prep, laundry, emails... you all know what I'm talking about!).  How very good and helpful it is for me to set an end time for work.  Tomorrow will come and very few things are actually so urgent that they MUST be done today.  Such peace in releasing...  and I *LOVE* getting daily time to connect with my man... to hear from him too, read together maybe and pray before bed.  All.  Such.  Good.  Gifts.


Last, we don't have anything scheduled for Sundays.  We know well in advance that that one day is for worship, rest and play together!

Of course next to all of this will be pitched out the window when we’re out of the house.  But that's pretty infrequent for us here-  we lead awfully local lives (as in, we stay in our apartment complex almost all week except for Sundays!).   So for most of the time that we're home, this little liturgy for our days is becoming a blessing for each of us.....  a rhythm of worship, a beautiful tune to live together.  May it be Lord, for your glory!

One more bit to share:  to learn from a much better source about helping our kids form habits of excellence, here is a great resource.   Laying Down Rails  (thanks JF!!)  is an e-book available from Simply Charlotte Mason and there's an audio seminar.  Sonya Shaffer makes the point (or maybe it was Charlotte's to being with?) that decision making is responsible for a huge portion of stress and a consumer of our time our time each day.  To train our kids (and ourselves!) with habits that will help them automatically incorporate excellence in their lives will be such a blessing to them to help their days flow more smoothly and fruitfully.