join me?

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:1-2

I'm glad this is what we are commanded to do, because to have to fill our minds with the stuff of earth would lay me low- too low to live some days. Just in daily ordinary things, life can feel overwhelming. How much more so in times of hard loss?

So, in effort to SET my mind on the things of heaven, the things of God, I'm setting out a specific scripture memory- meditation aim. I'm going to be dwelling on 1 Peter 1 in the next few weeks. I look forward to soaking my brain and my heart in this great chunk of scripture. Hoping, trusting that it will become a filter for thoughts and a screen for the eyes of my heart.

treachery

|ˈtre ch ərē|noun ( pl. -eries)betrayal of trust; deceptive action or nature
Our niece Maelee was 38 weeks grown in the womb when she died. We believe with confident hope that she went straight to be with Jesus and that her life in his presence now is very, very good. But loosing her, for those still here, is a way more painful blow than I think I would have even begun to comprehend had it not hit this close to home (and for sure, I don't get it all, but I think I've tasted it more truly now).
I have lost my mom. My grieving process for that is different from other women who have lost their moms. My mom, my whole family, whole past... my own mourning. Especially for that initial season, it was awful. 5+ years later, I still yearn for her and cry for her, though there is also a real healing now to that sorrow for me. But, that death was more of the natural order of things that we expect in this fallen world. (Death is still not what we were created for, but when we really face life squarely, who can deny that death is at the end of it, and usually not too far down the road?)
One of the things that marks this loss- a stillborn- as this exquisitely painful, is the timing of it. There is never a good time for death. But for it to strike right when the hopes are highest- 38 weeks of mounting hope, anticipation, joy, dreams all waiting for that first breath of life- that's one of the nastiest things to it. I HATE it.
Lowdown, filthy, scumbag, treachery of the worst kind. If I'm playing cards with a cheater, I'll call it when I see it. How much more for this?
Truly, every death qualifies as cheating, a grievous battle at least momentarily lost to the Enemy. This one, it seems to me, at least right now, to have more of a sting of treachery to it. But all death ought to make us wake up to the reality of what it is we live for, and our only Hope to live it well. Surely our only Hope to LIVE this life and live beyond it is the One who overcame death for us.
Simply belonging to Christ- that nail-scarred Man of Sorrows, Suffering Servant, Risen One- and him being my battle commander, emboldens my spirit to want to fight for life.... and I hope to fight well for his glory.
Heather put a few words together in an email this week: "Pray for me to not waste this, to learn to love the Lord more deeply through it."
Amen. We will be praying.

grievers, be embraced

Another web encouragement I found was Molly Piper's blog. She and Abraham lost their second child, a daughter named Felicity, in 2007. Her blog is good for grievers and its full of excellent tips especially for how women can love grieving women friends. There's really good stuff there... like some things to understand about grieving friends: "She's a scatterbrain, there is no timetable, ask her specific questions, cleaning her house is next to godliness." If you're interested: www.mollypiper.com then click the category for Grief. Here's a selection from her post on Feb 22 this year.

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I know there are other women like me, living without their only daughter. There’s a particular hole for a mom, a woman, who loses her chance to raise her little girl. So many hopes and dreams die with that little girl.

One thing I’ve learned on my journey is that if I take the time to listen to what’s going on in my heart, all this anger and frustration, and let God pull me deeper, past the self-protectiveness of the anger, I get down to the pain of it. If I will get honest with God there in my anger, he always shows me just how much I’m hurting. Somehow the wall of anger crumbles and I’m left in the rubble, weeping.

Because underneath the anger is always the pain. I can stay there in the anger and grow bitter and hard (trust me, the temptation is there), but God has helped me see that it’s always better to let myself feel all of the emotions (first the anger) and then search for what’s really going on in my heart. Pretty much 100% of the time, under the anger is pain. More pain to feel, more tears to cry, more aspects of the loss that I need to grieve.

Sometimes I don’t want to go there. Sometimes I just want to rant and rail against my situation. It’s hard and frustrating. Sometimes it feels like there’s nowhere to go from the pain–it can rise up anytime or anywhere. Grief is not just for grieving places, like the cemetery. It happens in other stranger places.

I suppose the other option would be to pretend like I don’t feel the anger. “No, no, no…it’s bad to be angry. God took Felicity away and I have to be happy and content with that.” If I decide on this option, I also miss the chance to grieve, just like I would have if I would’ve stayed hard and angry and bitter.

But Jesus doesn’t turn away the grievers. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

I am called blessed. And I’m promised His comfort.

This is blessed assurance. It’s like a great big sign at the foot of the Cross that says:

“You Belong Here.”

don't let this pain be wasted, Lord

When I first wrote about our niece Maelee's death, I thought I would not write here for a long time. But my mind has changed already. It's therapy for me too. Maybe it's because I'm "an open book" and share pretty freely about myself or maybe it's because I know so many of our dear friends are dearly concerned for our family, even though most of you don't know them at all (thank you for your care). Regardless, I've decided to share some of my and some of our processing for this loss on our blog.

At the time of my mom's death, one of the prayers that I felt my spirit greatly fortified by was that the Lord not let my mom's death or my pain at her loss be wasted. "Gain every ounce of glory you deserve from this, Lord. Change me in whatever way you want to. Speak of your goodness amidst this sorrow. Show Yourself as God. Provide for our hearts. Anchor us in Your Word. Help us to dwell on truth. Draw us to you."

I think part of my desire to write here is to record some of God's answers to that prayer in this time of loss and to testify to others that are grieving with us and grieving around us, that God is still God and he is still good. I know for our whole family, we all long that Maelee's death be used maximally for God's glory.

The first few days of this tragedy I spent a fair bit of time online looking for encouragement. I found George Mueller's biography- a talk by John Piper- to be excellent comfort for my soul. George Mueller was married to his first wife, Mary, for 39 years. Below is a section of Piper's talk reviewing how Mueller processed the loss of his beloved wife:

Mary's Death and the Key to His Life

We have the full text of the message at Mary's funeral and we have his own recollections of this loss. To feel the force of what he says, we have to know that they loved each other deeply and enjoyed each other in the work they shared.

Were we happy? Verily we were. With every year our happiness increased more and more. I never saw my beloved wife at any time, when I met her unexpectedly anywhere in Bristol, without being delighted so to do. I never met her even in the Orphan Houses, without my heart being delighted so to do. Day by day, as we met in our dressing room, at the Orphan Houses, to wash our hands before dinner and tea, I was delighted to meet her, and she was equally pleased to seeme. Thousands of times I told her—“My darling, I never saw you at any time, since you became my wife, without my being delighted to see you.”

Then came the diagnosis: “When I heard what Mr. Pritchard's judgment was, viz., that the malady was rheumatic fever, I naturally expected the worst. . . . My heart was nigh to be broken on account of the depth of my affection.” The one who had seen God answer 10,000 prayers for the support of the orphan, this time did not get what he asked. Or did he?

Twenty minutes after four, Lord's Day, February 6, 1870, Mary died. “I fell on my knees and thanked God for her release, and for having taken her to Himself, and asked the Lord to help and support us.” He recalled later how he strengthened himself during these hours. And here we see the key to his life.

The last portion of scripture which I read to my precious wife was this: “The Lord God is a sun and shield, the Lord will give grace and glory, no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Now, if we have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, we have received grace, we are partakers of grace, and to all such he will give glory also. I said to myself, with regard to the latter part, “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly”—I am in myself a poor worthless sinner, but I have been saved by the blood of Christ; and I do not live in sin, I walk uprightly before God. Therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again; sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. And all this springs, as I have often said before, from taking God at his word, believing what he says.

Here is the cluster of unshakable convictions and experiences that are the key to this remarkable life. “I am in myself a poor worthless sinner.”I have been saved by the blood of Christ.” “I do not live in sin.”God is sovereign over life and death. If it is good for her and for me, she will be restored again. If not she won't.”My heart is at rest.”I am satisfied with God.” All this comes from taking God at his word. There you see the innermost being of George Mueller and the key to his life. The word of God, revealing his sin, revealing his Savior, revealing God's sovereignty, revealing God's goodness, revealing God's promise, awakening his faith, satisfying his soul. “I was satisfied with God.”

pastoral prayer

We've been in our new town for almost three months and I've never been more grateful to have this church family around us here, than this morning. Our friend- whose house we meet at- prayed for our family at the beginning of our time together. A few things in the prayer stood out:

"Lord, please open their eyes to see and know you through this in ways that they couldn't have known otherwise."

"Be with them here, God. This is where their theology will be built. Build it well."

Just like our friend prayed over us- for Greg and Heather- this morning, we are asking that God be glorified and draw people- most especially right now Grether- but also others too, to Himself through Maelee's homegoing.

I can't help but think that Greg and Heather will be better off for all of eternity for being so stretched by this now. May you, Grether, see, know, trust, comprehend, be filled by, and even enjoy more of God in and as a result of this tragedy. May you be happier for all of eternity for having known HIM to this extent, to this sorrowful depth.

for Maelee's memorial

(C) Vineyard Music. "Yet I will praise" by Andy Park. Sung by Melissa Boraski.

a great loss for our family

Our hearts are broken for our dear Greg and Heather (Matt's brother and his wife) whose baby Maelee Linn passed away Easter Sunday, April 4. She was born April 6, less than two weeks before her due date, and they will have a small memorial service for her this Friday.

Isaiah seems to have connected with this sad news. He loves that in the end Jesus defeats all the bad guys, even death. That's just what Christ did on Easter, when Maelee died. But sadly for us, his victory has only begun. When that victory is complete, we'll get to see Maelee alive with Christ.

Heather's status on facebook, that she posted early on Easter, was a line from a great song: "For God the Just was satisfied to look on him [Christ] and pardon me." There is life- true life beyond this one- because Christ died. He took the penalty of death for all who trust in him and he rose victorious. There is life in the end... but oh what grief today!

And yet, we grieve with hope. We are so comforted to know that Greg and Heather, even in this unspeakable anguish, are held within, upheld by this hope. Solid HOPE in Christ, the Ultimate Victor, who will make all things right. We know he has won the war of this age, but in that greater war, this particular battle loss is great. It's devastating right now. Would you please pray for this dear family with us?

We're going to be silent on the blogging-front for a while, till we can get through some of this wreckage in our own hearts too. Thank you for your love and prayers with us for them.

rocket fuel

I just began reading Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. The first chapters have gone back and forth gripping me and seeming skim-worthy, but overall I think it is going to powerfully sharpen my faith and my joy in Christ- who has secured Heaven for me. And Heaven, as Alcorn labors to clearly explain, is NOT an eternal, (boring) church service....

These quotes stood out boldly for me:

"In AD 125, a Greek names Aristides, wrote to a friend about Christianity, explaining why this "new religion" was so successful: "If any righteous man among the Christians passes from this world, they rejoice and offer thanks to God, and they escort his body with songs and thanksgiving as if he were setting out from one place to another nearby." (p. xviii)

"Philip of Macedon, father of Alexander the Great, commissioned a servant to stand in his presence each day and say, "Philip, you will die." In contrast, France's Louis XIV decreed that the word "death" not be uttered in his presence. Most of us are more like Louis than Philip, denying death and avoiding the thought of it except when it's forced upon us. We live under the fear of death." (p xix)

Alcorn's point is that, as Christians, we shouldn't fear or dread death...not at all. We've bought into an absolute lie of our Enemy if we think that this world is what we live for, or that Heaven might be even the least bit boring. We can get so caught up in our lives here- thinking only of our comforts and pleasures- when really we know that our lives here are like a breath that vanishes in an instant (James 4:14). Why would we not prepare ourselves with a holy passion and attentiveness and action for the eternity to come?

And... in pressing toward eternity, clearly we've got to care about others' eternity too. And why not care not only about the ones that we love, but about the ones that he loves (the world)?

Here's another quote that ties in on this point. It's from John Piper's book "Don't Waste Your Life." This book is excellent. I've enjoyed reading it a few times and just skimmed lots of it again today. Having done so, I feel like my soul just filled up on rocket fuel. Oh that these words would be true of our lives! Much grace was administered to my soul as I read:

"I am deeply moved by the courage and carnage on Iwo Jima. As I read the pages of this histroy, everything in me cries out, "O Lord, don't let me waste my life!" Let me come to the end- whether soon or late- and be able to say to a family, a church, a city, and the unreached peoples of the earth, "For your tomorrow, I gave my body today. Not just for your tomorrow on earthy, but for the countless tomorrows of your ever-increasing gladness in God." The closer I look at the individual soldiers in this World War II history, the more I felt a passion that my life would count, and that I would be able to die well.

As rainy moning wore into afternoon and the fighting bogged down, the Marines continued to take casualties. Often it was the corpsmen [medics] themselves who died as they tried to preserve life. William Hoopes of Chattanooga was crouching beside a medic named Kelly, who put his head above a protective ridge and placed binoculars to his eyes just for an instant- to spot a sniper who was pepperin his area. In that instant the sniper shot him through the Adam's apple. Hoopes, a phamacist's mate himself, struggled frantically to save his friend. "I took my forceps and reached into his neck to grasp the artery and pink it off," Hoopes recalled. "His blood was spurting. He had no speech but his eyes were on me. He knew I was trying to save his life. I tried everything in the world. I couldn't do it. I tried. The blood was so slippery. I couldn't get the artery. I was trying so hard. And all the while he just looked at me. He looked directly into my face. The last thing he did as the blood spurts became less and less was to pat me on the arm as if to say, 'That's all right.' Then he died."*

In this heart-breaking moment I want to be Hoopes and I want to be Kelly. I want to be able to say to suffering and perishing people, "I tried everything in the world... I was trying so hard." And I want to be able to say to those around me when I die, "It's all right. To live is Christ, and to die is gain." (p. 124-125)

(* James Bradley, Flags of Our Fathers,(New York: Bantam, 2000)

Recently, my mother-in-law reminded me of the movie Schindler's list- most particularly the last scene. She described (I hope I get the details right) how the all the prisoners of war who had just been released were coming up to Schindler to thank him for being so instrumental in saving their lives during the war. And he began to weep. He was grieved and heart broken that he had not done more. "I should have sold my house, my car. I could have saved more." We could look and say "well done buddy," but he knew he could have done more. He did much, but not all that he could. I don't want my life to end like that. But it will, apart from major grace of God for which I want to be crying out to come! work mightily in me.

Piper continues... "Oh, that young and old would turn off the television, take a long walk, and dream about feats of courage for a cause ten thousand times more important than American democracy- as precious as that is. If we would dream and if we would pray, would not God answer? Would he withhold from us a life of joyful love and mercy and sacrifice that magnifies Christ and makes people glad in God? I plead with you, as I pray for myself, set your face like flint to join Jesus on the Calvary road. "Let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here was have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come" (Hebrews 13:13-14). When they see our sacrificial love- radiant with joy- will they not say, "Christ is great"? (p 128-9)

Come, Lord Jesus!

She Got It!

The prize at the finish line (once she got everything in the potty) got very, very sweet for this girl. With months of talk and preparation leading up to it, we had quite a load of rewards and promises made by the time that day finally came...

Day One: Skittles

Day Two: Skittles, a dab of lotion and chapstick, and this butterfly wings set

Day Three: Skittles and new shoes (she needed them anyway- I forgot to get a pic)

Day Four: More Skittles, lotion, and chapstick

Day Five: the Grand Finale of Potty School (it's the end of the skittles, and she seemed surprisingly OK with that). Gum- she's been looking forward to this for a long time- plus a trip to this "jump jump bed" (that's what the local words for it mean) and lunch from Kentucky Fried Chicken eaten at the park.

Matt's tutor went with us to the bounce house. I think he had lots of fun and it made the day all the more spectacular for Marian, who seems to have a bit of a crush on this guy!

Isaiah is growing so big so fast. We love this boy so much, just really wish he'd be a little more willing to let me get some pictures of him. I have to sneak them most the time these days!

All in all, we are just so glad and proud for how well Marian has conquered this! Way to go Darling! Thanks too, big bro Isaiah, for being a help and encouragment this week. We love you guys so much!!

Here's one more pic of our sweetheart little guy with the potty princess: