don't let this pain be wasted, Lord

When I first wrote about our niece Maelee's death, I thought I would not write here for a long time. But my mind has changed already. It's therapy for me too. Maybe it's because I'm "an open book" and share pretty freely about myself or maybe it's because I know so many of our dear friends are dearly concerned for our family, even though most of you don't know them at all (thank you for your care). Regardless, I've decided to share some of my and some of our processing for this loss on our blog.

At the time of my mom's death, one of the prayers that I felt my spirit greatly fortified by was that the Lord not let my mom's death or my pain at her loss be wasted. "Gain every ounce of glory you deserve from this, Lord. Change me in whatever way you want to. Speak of your goodness amidst this sorrow. Show Yourself as God. Provide for our hearts. Anchor us in Your Word. Help us to dwell on truth. Draw us to you."

I think part of my desire to write here is to record some of God's answers to that prayer in this time of loss and to testify to others that are grieving with us and grieving around us, that God is still God and he is still good. I know for our whole family, we all long that Maelee's death be used maximally for God's glory.

The first few days of this tragedy I spent a fair bit of time online looking for encouragement. I found George Mueller's biography- a talk by John Piper- to be excellent comfort for my soul. George Mueller was married to his first wife, Mary, for 39 years. Below is a section of Piper's talk reviewing how Mueller processed the loss of his beloved wife:

Mary's Death and the Key to His Life

We have the full text of the message at Mary's funeral and we have his own recollections of this loss. To feel the force of what he says, we have to know that they loved each other deeply and enjoyed each other in the work they shared.

Were we happy? Verily we were. With every year our happiness increased more and more. I never saw my beloved wife at any time, when I met her unexpectedly anywhere in Bristol, without being delighted so to do. I never met her even in the Orphan Houses, without my heart being delighted so to do. Day by day, as we met in our dressing room, at the Orphan Houses, to wash our hands before dinner and tea, I was delighted to meet her, and she was equally pleased to seeme. Thousands of times I told her—“My darling, I never saw you at any time, since you became my wife, without my being delighted to see you.”

Then came the diagnosis: “When I heard what Mr. Pritchard's judgment was, viz., that the malady was rheumatic fever, I naturally expected the worst. . . . My heart was nigh to be broken on account of the depth of my affection.” The one who had seen God answer 10,000 prayers for the support of the orphan, this time did not get what he asked. Or did he?

Twenty minutes after four, Lord's Day, February 6, 1870, Mary died. “I fell on my knees and thanked God for her release, and for having taken her to Himself, and asked the Lord to help and support us.” He recalled later how he strengthened himself during these hours. And here we see the key to his life.

The last portion of scripture which I read to my precious wife was this: “The Lord God is a sun and shield, the Lord will give grace and glory, no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Now, if we have believed in the Lord Jesus Christ, we have received grace, we are partakers of grace, and to all such he will give glory also. I said to myself, with regard to the latter part, “no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly”—I am in myself a poor worthless sinner, but I have been saved by the blood of Christ; and I do not live in sin, I walk uprightly before God. Therefore, if it is really good for me, my darling wife will be raised up again; sick as she is. God will restore her again. But if she is not restored again, then it would not be a good thing for me. And so my heart was at rest. I was satisfied with God. And all this springs, as I have often said before, from taking God at his word, believing what he says.

Here is the cluster of unshakable convictions and experiences that are the key to this remarkable life. “I am in myself a poor worthless sinner.”I have been saved by the blood of Christ.” “I do not live in sin.”God is sovereign over life and death. If it is good for her and for me, she will be restored again. If not she won't.”My heart is at rest.”I am satisfied with God.” All this comes from taking God at his word. There you see the innermost being of George Mueller and the key to his life. The word of God, revealing his sin, revealing his Savior, revealing God's sovereignty, revealing God's goodness, revealing God's promise, awakening his faith, satisfying his soul. “I was satisfied with God.”